There are two main elements influencing self-doubt. Fortunately there are also some simple ways to begin eroding your self-doubt and, consequently, build your self-esteem.
The frustrating paradox is that self-doubt actually creates unwavering certainty – certainty that you cannot do/say/be what you want, that you aren’t good enough, or that the risks far outweigh the possible gains.
This is because of the nasty self-perpetuating cycle self-doubt creates. You doubt yourself in a particular area so you hold yourself back from doing/saying/being something. This in turn gives you evidence that you don’t “have what it takes”, which usually gets translated to “See? I’m not good enough”.
When asked about what affects or feeds their self-doubt, readers generally pointed to two things. Given the commitment to personal growth and self-improvement members and readers at PersonalGrowthPrincess.com have I wasn’t surprised at the insight. But because this seems to be a fairly universal issue, I also was not surprised that there were very few suggestions for what to do about it.
The first element feeding self-doubt is not trusting your inner guidance, your intuition. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say the problem is not knowing whether what you are experiencing is really inner guidance, or a fear or anxiety speaking.
We often “know” something but don’t trust that knowing. After all, how do you know when you know? This is usually a result of not practicing using this information, but can also come from trusting your intuition and ending up with negative consequences. That can magnify self-doubt.
The key distinction is that inner guidance always brings relief (sometimes coupled with excitement), almost always whispers, and never criticizes. If you hear a yelling voice in your head – and you aren’t in imminent physical danger – chances are it’s your fear talking, not your intuition.
Inner guidance can have a strong and assertive voice, but will not have an ounce of self-judgment in it.
The second element feeding self-doubt is that of being overly influenced by other people – letting their opinions – or what you imagine their opinions might be – outweigh your own perspective.
It’s important to note that there is a significant difference between seeking input from someone who has experience and skill in an area you are not familiar with, and altering your behavior or feelings about yourself based solely on what someone else thinks – or what you imagine they will think.
In fact, the imagination is often the crux of the matter. Research by Thomas Gilovich, Justin Kruger and Victoria Medevec (Journal of Personal and Social Psychology), found that most of us exaggerate the perception others will have about us – both positive and negative – or even what they will remember about us at all. We don’t just exaggerate it a little, we double it. In other words, people are half as likely to have a judgment about us as we think they are.
Talk about setting ourselves up for failure…
But wait, there’s even more…if we are contemplating someone’s opinion of us just after experiencing a failure or poor performance (in our own assessment), we exaggerate the perceived judgments even more. As if it weren’t bad enough that we are not pleased with our performance, add to the intensity of our self-doubt by imagining others’ judgments far, far beyond what is true.
Can you see how this distorted judgment can add to the slippery slope of self-doubt?
It may be hard to believe that other people actually think about us very little, but that’s the truth. So how do you change this?
Knowing you do this can provide some relief from self-doubt. People who are overly anxious about how they will come across will tend to hold back from taking action. This is generally followed by regret about not taking the action, and we’re back at the same self-perpetuating cycle. (Sound familiar?)
Just recognizing this is part of the path to greater self-confidence and self-esteem. Instead of over-exaggerating what you think people’s perceptions will be, intentionally reduce what you think they will think by at least half. Probably more. Don’t worry – you aren’t likely to underestimate.
So quit worrying about what others think about you – chances are they haven’t even noticed.
And start listening to the quieter, calmer voice when looking for inner guidance.
Put these two strategies into action and you will begin to see a shift in your self-doubt almost immediately.
If you have ideas or suggestions you can share with others, please share them in the comments section below!
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Nina,
This is indeed a tightrope that we must walk. Discernment gets polished with acting on your knowing and tuning into the sensations in your body. True knowing always expands and opens you. So will feedback from mentors and colleagues. Most often, however, it is our own self judgment which binds us to critical inner voices. Whenever I notice them (because they never go away, but your relationship to them changes)I know that I am at the surface of my awareness and it is in the depths that knowing arises. Dive deeply, my friend. The water is fine.
Adela
Nina-
I so agree! I just facilitated a workshop on intuition this weekend and one participant asked how do I KNOW when my intuition is right? How do listen to the excitement and not the fear? I asked “Does it make you feel more open and give you energy or are you feeling a contraction and tension around it?
Jude, that’s an excellent question! Most people, whether they have much “body knowledge” or not, will understand exactly what you mean. Thanks so much for sharing!